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How to be a successful ISRAELI ACADEMIC

by professor Itzic Hurban from the linguistic department, University  of Ben-Haifa.     

Introduction: I was sitting  in Harrods in Knightsbridge, London, and having high tea, caviar little 
sandwiches, when a group of probably women dressed in cute black dresses and 
nice expensive Burqas passed by. It reminded me immediately my obligations
here:  give lectures in London colleges about the Apartheid Israel. Tonight I am
at  Hammersmith college and you are invited, it is across the new mosque,
everybody  knows where the mosque is. Just ask, yes, in English or Arabic. But life
is  good, money coming in (from Ford Foundation, don't tell). So this is my
advice  to you my friends if you want to be as successful as I  am.             

                                1.Be sure to start by suggesting that every bad thing that happened in 
Palestine is due to the Israeli Jews. "We are guilty" declare, the
Palestinians  are our victims. We missed the peace offers, we preferred to killed
Palestinian  children, not that we wanted to drink their blood, this is an old
fashioned  accusation.
                                2. Denounce Zionism, the racist Apartheid
organization. The word "Zion" should  be removed and replaced by the word
Palestine. The Old Testament should be  corrected. Zion should be replaced by
"Palestine." "On the rivers of Iraq we sat  and cried when we remembered the
atrocities that were done by the Israeli  .."-Psalms 120:1-7. With Hanukah (Naqba 1)
we have to tell the truth about  the Maccabbis, the IDF, the fight was illegal
since it did not take into  consideration that Muslims 600 years later will
have a claim about  Jerusalem.
                                 3. Publish the fruit of your wisdom in foreign journals,
preferably  English, there are many to choose from. The articles have to be very long,
the  longer the more wisdom. Factoids should be a major part of the article. You do 
not have to tell the truth, the believers do not care about the truth  if you support their
dogma. Publish only in journals that do not allow  criticism, letters to the editor
and alike. You know that the hundreds of  factoids that lace your article
cannot all be challenged and if they are they  put the critic on defense or in an
apologetic mood.  This is a fascist  practice and if it worked for them why
should it not work for you.

                                  4. Palestinians never did anything wrong. They
resisted the occupation and if  they exploded buses or pizza parlors or launched
missiles on civilians it is  because of the occupation. Yes, the occupation
of Tel-Aviv, Netanya and others  by the Zionists. Develop a tunnel vision that
will allow you to see better  the Israeli war crimes ignoring Palestinian
crime (any how, how could these nice  Arabic people do bad  things?)              
                          5. Get in touch with European, American and Arab
activists and tell them that  you are an Israeli Jew who denounce the Zionist
Apartheid government. This truly  will legitimize  you. 
                          6. Lastly, you have to compare Israeli to Nazis. This is a must.
After all  Hitler was a good man who did not know exactly that Himler and Eichman are 
killing Jews. Yes, he wrote it in his "mein Kampf" but he really did not mean  it. As
president Ahmadinejad said, not only Jews were killed, and if they were  killed, a
subject to be researched by him, than they were not 6 millions.  Probably
6,000 were killed. This is not a reason why European Jews should come  to
Palestine in 1948. I am very convinced that the Jews from Europe and Arab  countries
could have gone to Brooklyn. There are so many of them there  anyhow. The ideas
of Uganda, Madagascar were not bad  either.                                  
                          7. Last, last. Tell your English friends that you do not mind
that they invaded  Maoria (and called it New Zealand), that they conquered
Australia, Canada the  USA from their Aborigines and American Indians. There is no
parallel for  conquering those countries for a "Lebensraum," space for living,
food, industry.  Jews did the same in the same period of time but not for a
"Lebensraum," but  because their history, Bible and prayers. You tell the English,
the  French the Belgians that you don't care about their justified atrocities.
 It is only Israel that made it's to do  crimes. Suddenly, suddenly
there was a big boooooom. Out of the earth rise the  Jewish pilgrims, workers
and refugees. They died of malaria, famine of war.  They turned the desert into
a garden and built Universities. They were  exploded, killed, tortured and
maimed. The Jewish soldiers whose blood  soaks the land after so many wars. The
127 Israeli children and their mothers,  grand mothers. They lie in their
graves silently but not for  long. They may wake up and scream:" We gave you this
small piece of land,  the freedom, the liberty with our blood with our life.
Don't abuse it, don't  kill us  twice." 
Prof. Itzic Hurban can be reached  with E-mail _Driheart@aol.com_ (mailto:Driheart@aol.com)
         P.s. Dear friends, money is not a problem: I am paid a
salary by my Ben-Haifa  U. with all the fringe benefits. I do not know why they
pay, but they do: I do  not teach my curriculum, but my students have the
benefit of knowing my  progressive ideas on Israel. This is what I am doing when
I am there,  mostly I am not there, I have vacations, Sabbaticals and time for
 research. I do those in the college across the new Mosque in  London. In
Israel I use my class to teach real life to my students. Not that  they will have
a profession, but they will be excellent anarchists. Is it  not the reason
that their parents sent them to Ben-Haifa  University?      N.B. Not only
parents pay us  money. Guess what? Israel is financing our University too! Don't
worry, my  friends, Israel will never check what we are teaching. Interestingly,
in  Bir Zeit University a Hamas representative is sitting in every class. He
wants  education I presume.

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